CONNECTING.

Last night, I went to a breath work class. It was the first time I’ve ever done anything like that. In my spiritual journey, I have been open to trying new things. Some things have aligned with me and some things have not. There are so many spiritual practices that I always thought were in opposition to my faith but it turns out, they’re all just tools and you can use them for whatever purpose you like. And so many aren’t what I believed them to be at all. Now, my faith has technically shifted, and I’m working through all of that, but what I’m saying is: these things don’t have to mean that you throw everything else out. If you’d like to hear a detailed account of some of the things my Prone to Wonder girls and I believe about metaphysical tools, you can listen to our podcast “I bought a crystal, am I going to hell?” this link.

So back to the breath work class. I was NERVOUS. I actually don’t do well in situations where I’m uncomfortable and don’t know anyone. I’m not as extroverted and outgoing as most people think I am. If you had met me last night, you’d probably describe me as quiet and shy. Which, if you know me personally, is a big LOL. I text my husband things like, “Should I just leave?” “What am I even doing here?” “I don’t think I fit in here.” But alas, I peeled myself from my car and forced my body to move towards the building.

You might ask, “If I was so uncomfortable, why did I even sign up in the first place?” It’s because as long as I can remember I’ve lived under a weighted blanket. I always felt like deep inside I was a raging fire, a free spirit, a fluid soul…and yet… I couldn’t let it out. Even back in religious environments, I felt like I wanted to move my body more or be more demonstrative or use my voice… but I just couldn’t. So I’ve decided that I’m working on that. Whatever it is that holds me back. No matter how scared or uncomfortable I am, I want to take steps to being fully free and fully myself.

So I sat there. The teacher was so warm and welcoming. She was so full of light. She felt safe. I sat in my spot listening to the conversations around me and giggled to myself. It sounded like an SNL skit about spirituality. Shamans, energy breakthroughs, ayahuasca ceremonies in remote jungles of Mexico… I felt like the new kid in school. I was waiting for someone to yell, “She doesn’t even go here!” all Mean Girls style. But that was just all my insecurities. Everyone was wonderful. The teacher informed us it would be a special situation. The playlist she normally played would be replaced by our own voices. She felt like we needed to vocalize through this session. Cue gulps of horror. Being 100% honest and open, I immediately understood why so many people do some sort of drug before spiritual things and wondered if it was too late to figure out how all that worked.

We were instructed to put on our sleeping masks and begin our breathing patterns. She coached us through and encouraged us to be vocal in whatever way felt right. We were to tune into our bodies and move them however we felt we needed to move. I… I tried. I tried to move. I tried to vocalize. But I could not shake the sense of fear and the need to control myself. I was jealous of others around me who sounded like they were focused on themselves and fully free to do whatever they needed to do. I was angry at myself. Why couldn’t I do this? Why was I always so afraid? Why couldn’t I use my voice? I thought about my singing and how differently I sing at home when it’s just me and when I’m with others. I can do all sorts of fun things with my voice at home, but in public I only sing what is certain. I only sing what I’ve already established I can do. I only sing what’s safe. And then the frustration makes it harder. It’s just this cycle of me sitting there not only unable to participate but mad at myself that I can’t.

The teacher came around and told me that I was safe. That it was safe to use my voice. She helped me by moving me and syncing up my breath. I felt safe with her and was able to do a little more. There were several experiences like that. Little by little I was able to push through and let go. At one point I was clearly working out something, and the teacher supported me until I started coughing and released my body into her arms. As it all ended and I lay there thinking, I remembered times in church. I thought about all of these people chasing a spiritual experience, a connection, a healing, a freedom. In every culture, in every part of the world, people do things to connect to all that is beyond us. And none of them are wrong. The people in church aren’t wrong. The people in the jungles of South America aren’t wrong. The people in breath work class in Atlanta aren’t wrong. They’re all just different ways of connecting.

I wondered what the difference for me personally was between my Charismatic experiences and experiences like this. I think it was a feeling of safety. The people in class made me feel safe. The teacher made me feel safe. There was no “too much,” nor was there a “not enough.” Whatever I experienced was fine. However I showed up was fine. However I responded was fine. What mattered was that I made the effort to connect, to grow, and to make space. I think in Evangelical environments, I felt like there was a certain way I was supposed to respond. And everyone else was focused on it. In the breath work class, everyone was focused on themselves. They were there to focus on their own journey and their own connection. They were supportive and safe, but free of judgement and free of any responsibility for my journey and response.

I also was able to see that I was always made for connection. I was always a free spirit. I was always made for movement and fluidity and art and creation and worship. The space wasn’t important. My journey is finding a way to connect to the divine in a way that feels true and free and in places that feel safe. It’s hard for me, but I have a feeling it will be worth it, like every other uncomfortable thing I’ve ever worked through. The more “me” I am and the more I allow myself to exist in the way I was created, the closer to God/Spirit/the divine/Love/Wholeness I’ll be.