DECONSTRUCTION.

It’s hard to go through change publicly, especially if you’re not quite sure where the changes are going. I was listening to a message recently and the speaker remarked that they don’t like to call it deconstruction, but disorientation. Because no one chooses this. No one chooses to tear apart everything they’ve ever known. No one chooses to uproot community and relationships and defining beliefs out of nowhere. It just…happens. It’s disorienting. And that was so comforting to me because I do feel guilty at times. I didn’t expect these dominos to all start falling. I didn’t choose to suddenly question everything I’ve ever known and every building block of the foundation of who I am. But once you’ve seen something, you can’t unsee it. You can’t just put it all the way it was. And honestly? I hate that. I want things to be how they were. They were simple. I was sure.

My husband went through this long before I have and much more privately and philosophically which is so him. He’s doing an incredible job holding space for me and yet letting me find my own footing. He told me just yesterday that whatever I come to honestly, will be closer to God than anything forced on me. I’m grateful for him.

We send each other memes and crazy things we were told or witnessed in childhood because once you look from the outside, you wonder how you didn’t see it as crazy before. Yesterday, he sent me a video. I remembered the song but I DID NOT remember the video. You can watch it here if you want to torture yourself. And if you do, hang in until the end. For some reason, this unhinged me. What in the actual hell? And I called him crying. I was just so sad. I told him “I’m trying to hold on. I’m trying. I see the good and I want to hold on, but I feel like Christians just keep stepping on my fingers.” It wasn’t just the video. It’s everything happening in the country. It’s even the Christian I was 10 years ago. Not just the extremists. And I am terrified.

That pastor was right. Disorientation. I’m disoriented. And no, I haven’t settled. I haven’t yet begun to reorient myself. I’m trying to have grace for myself. I’m finding time for stillness. I’m listening. I’m waiting. I’m walking slowly, not making any huge leaps.

I still like Jesus. I still like his message. I still like his example. I still believe it’s not all about us. I still believe there’s so much more. I still believe that love is the single most important thing in the world. I still believe in selflessness and community. I still believe that loving your neighbor is key. And that’s what I’ve got right now. Mixed with sadness, anger, guilt, fear, hope, freedom, questions, and waiting.

I wanted to be completely open about the pain of where I’m at because I know there are others.. The deconstruction space has so many people who have moved on and are certain about where they’ve landed. But what about those of us who are in the midst of it? What about those of us still in the disorientation and waiting for our feet to find the ground? I invite you to breathe. It’s okay. We’re okay. Find beacons of things that resonate with you. Songs. Books. Relationships. Things you can feel in your bones that are real and loving and steady. And keep going.