WEALTH AND SHAME.

I’ve been working on healing my relationship with money. If you’re not into deep self digging or spiritual work, this might seem like an odd concept to you. But I believe that our upbringing, our subconscious, our beliefs, manifest in a way that can become blocks in our lives. One of the ways I am doing that is going through a program called To Be Magnetic, Unblocked Money.

This program involves deep meditations, journaling, and reprogramming. This morning I was working through the module Shadow + Money. The shadow is a psychological term for everything we can’t see in ourselves. Sometimes in these mediations, I feel like I wasted my time and I can’t “tune in.” But sometimes, I get these downloads of revelation and information. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I feel sick. It can be an incredibly intense experience.

This morning I came to see some things about my shadow, thus myself, that I hate and judge fiercely. I wanted to share it so that I can not only bring it to light myself, but hopefully offer some insight to someone else.

I like things. I want to be wealthy. I want nice things. I want to travel. I like nice clothes. I like nice food. I dream of extensive self care routine with massage and facials and stuff. I want a car with self start so I can warm it up on cold days from inside the house. And I hate it. I absolutely despise that part of myself.

I imagine my time in Uganda. I think of the children’s prisons. I think of the people I got to know who have given up everything in life to be there with those who are suffering. I think of those who are fostering a LOT of kids in a NOTHING home. I think of those who don’t know if they’re going to get to eat today. And the shame and judgement absolutely rip me apart. I imagine telling them what I would spend on my self care routine when they don’t have clothing.

I want to be generous. I want to help others. I’m an empath. And these two sides of myself clash in a battle of self loathing. I think part of it is growing up in the church where money is the root of all evil. Or love of money. So that is the soundtrack that plays in the background of everything. I also have a scarcity mindset that money is elusive and I don’t deserve it. So yeah, me and money have a weird thing going on.

I am working on it. I believe there is space for “AND.” Wealth, enjoying my station in life, having the best care, AND being generous and empathetic to the pain of others. It will take work to reprogram myself and I’m certain it will be an ongoing struggle. But i’m trying. And I know for a fact that one of the ways to work with shadow is with light, so I’m bringing those parts of me that embarrass me and bring me shame to light.