VIRAL.

I went viral on TikTok. It was a random little video I threw up where my husband had an unexpectedly emotional response to a hypothetical question that made me laugh. There was no thought that went into it. It just…was. As of the time of this writing, the video has over 2.2 million views.

I also have anxiety and depression. I’m also an empath. I basically take on energy like a sponge.

I’ve always thought I wanted to be a thought leader. Write books, speak and empower women, etc. Then I got this small taste of what it’s like to be raised up loud enough for anyone to hear you. You see, when you are amplified in any way, there are more people who hear you and respond. You get more positive interactions and people you help and people who like you. You also get a lot more of the other side of the coin. More means more.

I’ve told myself that I’m prepared for that and that I know it comes with the territory. Plus, if no one dislikes me, I’m probably not doing anything worthwhile. But it’s a lot easier said than done. And really, what i’m experiencing is nothing. The women that I look up to have been all but burned at the stake. Yet for me, a few trolls and messages and I want to run away. I say that only partially joking. If I went with my mood today, I’d dip out of all social media and buy a tiny house and retreat.

When you’re in a depressive state, it’s hard. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to respond to messages. I both want to eat everything and nothing. And then on top of that, my body is still not recovered from surgery. So it’s just hard.

I’m grateful for positive humans in my life who helped point me towards steps to move forward. I’m doing a little better. I set some social media boundaries on my phone. There are time limits and cut off times. This has been something I’ve fought for a long time but it has already been massively helpful.

I still don’t know if I want to press forward or fade away. I think I have something to say but I don’t know if I have the strength it takes to be elevated in this digital world. I’ve been told that I’m brave, but I don’t know how true that is. For me, being vulnerable doesn’t take much bravery. I’m not afraid of being open and sharing. The bravery for me is in standing strong as the waves of response crash over. Do I have that strength? Well, that remains undetermined.