HE'S IN THE WAITING.
I’ve been up since 3am. My brain is just on overdrive. Of course, I didn’t actually get out of bed until 5:30 because 3AM IS NOT A REAL TIME TO GET UP. I’ve been in a weird space lately. I’ve been trying to figure out what I have to offer the world. We’ve been waiting for our house to sell, sitting in what feels like complete silence. I’ve been watching our finances stretch thin as we take care of house things and spend a small college fund on gas because we’re traveling so much. I’m watching every house we love go under contract before we can do anything about it. I’m looking at my life and community in Atlanta pass me by and wondering if I’ve been left behind. I chose to jump off the train, and it was the right choice for our family. But, now I want to get back on and I can’t seem to find the on ramp. So I’m sitting here waiting on God to DO SOMETHING.
One of my favorite devotionals in the world is the Write the Word journal. I somehow lost the one I had been working through and so it’s been a hot minute since I’ve done it. I had others but I was just waiting to find mine. Last night, I finally went through my stock and decided the Cultivate Gratitude was exactly what I needed. This morning, this was the verse:
“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”
James 1:2-4
K.
See, it’s easy to trust God when it’s easy. It’s harder to trust Him when you’re waiting. It’s harder when you’re trying to figure out how to step forward. It’s harder when you feel helpless. It’s harder when you want Him to show up so that you can prove to people that you were being obedient and didn’t just make a mistake moving to the mountains. Ouch.
As a musician and long-time worship leader, often whenever reading scripture, whatever song I associate with the words will pop into my head. When reading this morning, the song Take Courage by Bethel came up. (The live version. Not the radio version. NEVER the radio version of anything.) So after listening to that song 5,000 times, i looked at my arm. My left forearm reads “courage dear heart.” I just didn’t know courage would require so much stillness.
There is purpose in the waiting. There is purpose in the stillness. I’m not ready for what’s next. God is TRYING to throw my impatient self a bone. He’s TRYING to give me a chance to mature and grow. He’s TRYING to teach me. But I’m all Veruca Salt a la Willy Wonka doing an elaborate musical number of “I WANT IT NOW!”
So I’m not saying I’ve got it. I’ll probably still be anxious and impatient and send my realtor 724 emails a day. BUT, I’m going to try not to miss it. I’m going to try to not miss what God is doing in me. I’m going to try to not numb myself through the waiting. I’m going to try to actually take courage. Because courage doesn’t always mean running leaping from the plane with a flaming sword screaming “I GOT THIS!” Sometimes courage means sitting still and learning while whispering “God, you got this.”
