GRAY.

I didn’t grow up with the possibility of gray. Everything was so certain. Everything was black and white. Simple. It either made sense or it didn’t.

I was the main character. Always. My dad had an answer for everything. I don’t even remember questioning much. It’s actually amazing how I remember things because somehow, he also encouraged me to think for myself. I don’t know if it was him, or myself because I idolized him, but I felt my thinking always needed to end at the smart conclusion, his conclusion. I fully believed my dad was always right.

I grew up republican. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong but what I am saying is that I was CERTAIN it was the right answer.

I met my husband when I was around 18. This year is 14 years we’ve been married and about 17-18 years we’ve been together. We basically grew up together. I remember this one instance where we were at a game night. We were sitting in a circle with other people, playing a board game that I don’t remember. I’m sure I was winning though because that was important to me at the time. I can so vividly remember a conversation we got into about politics. I ended up asking if he was republican or democrat. He told me “he didn’t know.” He didn’t KNOW?! I was in shock. I liked this guy, a lot. How could he possibly “not know?” Wasn’t he smart? I didn’t know how to process the information. I remember completely shutting down and I didn’t even know how to talk to him for the rest of the night. I know it may sound dramatic but I tell you this so you can see how uncomfortable I was with gray area.

People were good or bad. Things were right or wrong. Beliefs were smart or dumb. It’s just how it was. What I see now is how little grace that afforded not only those around me, but myself. If I “messed up” things were ruined. I was ruined. I don’t think I was a “good kid” because of morality. I think I was a good kid because the weight of being wrong, broken, bad, irresponsible, guilty…was far too much to bear.

It was a weird mix of pride and fear. Pride because I knew and fear because I didn’t want to mess up.

I see so much certainty these days. So many are CERTAIN in their political and religious beliefs. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s wisdom, maybe it’s therapy and medication, but I’m not certain about anything anymore. Everything is up for discussion: the health of my relationships, my beliefs about God, my political beliefs, the things that I think are important, parenting, you name it. Some might say that I’m losing my faith or that I’m just wishy washy, but I think it’s humility. I’ve humbled myself to see that really the only thing that matters is “love God, love people.” I’m open to whatever that means. If my perception of God changes, that’s okay. If my ideology on how to love others changes, that’s okay.

If you believe it’s God’s will to bring heaven to earth, does that mean that there are pockets of heaven and hell on earth now? Maybe your neighbor who’s pain that you have dismissed is in hell. Maybe that person who you think is a heretic is in heaven. Maybe as we listen and learn, we shift the balance. Perhaps instead of being certain about theology, we just work on our mission NOW. Maybe the mission is to find those in hell and shift things for them. Maybe the mission is to take the pieces of heaven we’ve experienced and broaden them so that others might join us. If these things are overlapping, there’s sure to be a lot of gray, and that’s okay.

Yes I can hear the clapback already. “Jesus was certain.” But as I read the scripture, I have to ask, was he? Yes, He was certain his mission was to love God and love people. I see that. But outside of that, I see him asking questions, seeking answers, praying for relief, begging to be delivered, speaking in parables and leaving others to decipher it. I don’t think he had a certainty around all of the things the American Christian community seems so certain about. Also, I believe that only some things were written down. ALL of the life of Jesus is not in this book (that has been translated and interpreted about a bazillion times). You know how I know? Not once does Jesus use the bathroom. So maybe, just maybe, there’s more.

I’m not saying I have all the answers. What I’m saying is that none of us do. That maybe if we become less certain, maybe if we embrace the gray, there will be more love, more grace, and more hope in the here and now.