Fat.

I remember the first time I felt fat. I was in 6th grade and I was moving and would be going to a new school. I found out my elementary crush (/boyfriend/I think we got “married” on a field trip) that had moved away went to this new school. I was so excited. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I had visions of movie scenes playing in my head. Reuniting. Rekindling. I just knew we’d see each other in the halls and that would be it.

That Christmas I received a brand new outfit to wear to school. Light jeans. A black belt with a silver buckle. A dark pink ribbed turtleneck. I loved it. I also had terrible fashion sense but it was the early 90s and there was no internet so I forgive myself.

The first day of school, I dressed in my new outfit. I walked the halls searching for his face. I clutched my books just waiting for that moment when it would finally happen. Then, it did. I can play it like a movie in my head to this day. We were walking opposite directions in a crowd and we spotted each other. It had been a few years so we weren’t certain but we keep looking back and craning our necks to see over the crowd to make sure it was really the other. Some kid yelled out something about a chicken because of the way we were sticking out our necks. I felt a wash of elation and hope.

Later in the day, I found out we had gym class together. WE HAD A CLASS TOGETHER! I mean…come on perfect movie! We had uniforms for gym that we changed into in the locker room. I felt awkward and uncomfortable in my expanding body but was able to bush it off. He was different. We had grown up a bit. He didn’t quite treat me the same but I figured it was nerves. Then, I was invited to his birthday party.

He had an older brother. We were gathered at his house and everyone was hanging out. His brother showed me some dumb magic trick that I pretended was cool. We started discussing how cool it was that we had ended up in the same town after moving. “Yeah,” his brother mentioned offhand “he said you got fat.”

He said you got fat.

The fact that I remember this conversation and day so vividly more than 20 years later should show you how deeply wounding that was. I started wearing pantyhose under my gym shorts during class hoping it would hide my “ugly” legs. And that was it. That was the pain that defined who I thought I was for so many years. To this day, post 80lbs of weight loss and having twins and losing weight again, somewhere deep deep down, I still don’t believe I can be anything but the chubby girl.

I didn’t know that I still felt that way until I was doing some subconscious work. This belief was brought up and this memory showed up and I cried. I remembered how it absolutely wrecked and defined me. It sentenced me to a lifetime of not believing in myself.

So it begins. I am rewriting my subconscious belief that I am fat. I am doing the work so that down deep, I know that I am a normal, healthy girl. That I am not cursed. That I am capable and worthy.

And so are you.