SEX.

I’m not an influencer but I have been lucky enough to have people send me free things to post about here and there. It’s always fun. I like sharing what I like. I know there are people who get paid to post things but that’s never something I’ve come across or done. That being said…I got my first offer for a paid collaboration. I opened the email in disbelief and excitement. Someone wants to PAY ME to post something? What is this life?! I read the kind email and the words that seemed in alignment with myself. Words like “female empowerment” and “self love” were peppered throughout. I was excited that it could work because it sounded like something I would be totally on board with. I clicked the company instagram link and it was…

sex toys.

S-E-X T-O-Y-S. I died laughing. My first thought was ‘OMG I COULD NEVER I WOULD DIE A THOUSAND SHAMEFUL DEATHS.” I sent screenshots to close friends so they could laugh along with me. I was surprised at their responses of “are you going to do it?”

What do you MEAN am I going to do it? Is that even something I could post about?! I got to thinking about why this was an insane proposition to me. I wouldn’t be posting anything explicit. There’d be no nudity. There’d be no instructional videos or anything. It’d just be me telling about this company and highlighting a product. So why did the idea make me shrink in terror?

I grew up in purity culture. If you don’t know what that is, God bless you and go forth and enjoy your positive sex life. If you do know what that is, you’ve probably felt the shame associated with it and dealt with the ramifications. Purity culture basically drilled into our heads, SEX IS BAD, SEX DRIVE IS BAD, MASTURBATION IS EVIL, THOUGHTS WILL ROT YOUR BRAIN, YOUR VALUE AND HOLINESS IS IN DIRECT CORRELATION TO YOUR PURITY.

If you never read a Joshua Harris book, again, God bless you and go forth and enjoy your positive sex life. I read BOTH. Oh yes, there were 2. I had just finished the second when I met my now husband of 14 years. We were 18ish. The first time we kissed, what should have been a beautiful and exciting moment, I wept. I was flooded with guilt and sadness. I wasn’t supposed to date. I wasn’t supposed to kiss him.

Until you make a lifelong commitment of course. And then it’s GREEN LIGHT! Good luck with that mental shift kiddos! It’s no wonder there are so many young marriages and divorces in my age group. Everything was about staying pure and getting married.

I don’t know that I’m open enough yet to publicly post about a sex toy. I want to be. I want to be sex positive and empowering. I want to tell other women that sex is beautiful and holy and God created your sex drive and pleasure points and there is no shame. I just…I’m not totally at that point yet. I mean, I am because I just said it but I’m not quite at “hey! check out this vibrator!” level.

But it was a push to start talking about it. If you’re looking for a resource on undoing damaging beliefs about sex and sexuality, I urge you to check out the book Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber. It was pivotal for me.

So there it is. This is me starting to talk about it. This is me hopeful that other women hear me and that something is sparked or affirmed in them. Women, you are body, spirit, and mind. All three are important.