BEYOND CONTROL.

I have spoken previously about mental health and my journey with it. Two years ago, I was officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression. My therapist said I also have ADD and some symptoms of OCD but that I’ve learned to handle them well. I was in therapy for a year before I finally agreed to try medication for my anxiety/depression.

A friend of mine, Brei, is a mental health champion. She was really the one that convinced me that I wasn’t a failure if I took medication. See, I have a ton of grace for others. I am all for therapy and medical intervention for other people. I just really thought I could out-work it. I believed that if I worked hard enough, exercised, prayed, meditated, used oils, went to therapy…that I could fix it. But, I couldn’t. It was beyond my control. Just because I believe that God CAN heal me, doesn’t mean he’s going to do so on this earth. I thank God for Brei. Because of medication, the work I do ACTUALLY helps. It doesn’t mean I’m not anxious or that I don’t have to work hard, it just makes it so that I can stop the spiral. I can recognize that I’m struggling and take appropriate steps.

Yesterday, I got pushed off of a cliff. Our home that was under contract, fell through. The buyer’s agent overreacted and sent them into a panic. He convinced them we were trying to sell them a lemon. When in reality, there was no problem with what he had addressed. It was something that we completely took care of and the clean up hadn’t occurred yet. It is set for this week. Instead of talking to us, he had the buyer terminate the contract. I was BEYOND crushed. Because it wasn’t like there were negotiations and we came to a standstill. It was a panic over NOTHING and something that felt like an attack on my character. I felt like someone swept my legs from under me.

Luckily, I have an incredibly supportive community and family. We were at my parents and they gave me the space I needed to process. I got some essential oils, I shut myself in a room, and did some work. I did a tapping exercise. I prayed. I did a releasing yoga routine to help ease the physical tension. I ate healthy foods. I kept an open line of communication. I took walks whenever I felt it bubbling up. And you know what? I made it. It was a hard day, but I made it. I’m still sad. I’m still a little anxious about the house. But that’s okay. Not being anxious isn’t the goal. That would be like being an amputee and thinking that the goal is to act like you still have the limb. No. It’s recognizing that it’s there. It’s taking steps to stay above water in those times. It’s being okay with the tension and realizing that it WILL pass.