THE MIDDLE

Hold on to your hats folks. And by folks I mean all 7 of you who read my blog, 3 of whom are related to me.

I am not under the misconception that anyone cares about my opinions. However, i do believe that I have something to say. As I dip my toes into the hotbed that we call politics and religion…please remember that I do not claim to know everything, nor have all the answers. I am a real person, working through a lifetime of beliefs and reconciling my Christianity and my nationality as an American.

I grew up conservative AF. That means something different in today’s climate because all labels have gone completely bonkers. Yet still, you probably could’ve easily convinced me that Jesus was a Republican. It was so deeply ingrained in me that when I was dating my husband, and he was sorting through his own political beliefs, he mentioned that he didn’t know if he was a Republican or Democrat yet. I don’t think we spoke for the rest of the evening. I panicked. I believed all Democrats were idiots and if my boyfriend (that’s weird to say at this point) was considering it, maybe he was an idiot and our relationship was doomed. I’m actually laughing right now because LORD. Teenaged Amber, CALM THE FRICK DOWN.

Years ago, my counselor told me that I liked everything black and white. I had a hard time dealing with gray. It was before I was diagnosed with anxiety so it makes sense. I’ve now realized that practically everyone and everything is gray. But back then…I was not okay.

I’m also highly empathetic. The pain of others hits me deeply. As I grew older, the social justice movement was sweeping through the church. It appealed to my empathy. I remember the first time that I heard Francis Chan speak, he said something along the lines of, “Social Justice is the next Golden Calf of the church.” I wrestled. I wrestled with the idea of “YES, CAN WE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF OTHERS?!” with the idea of “THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT THE ANSWER!”

The more years that passed, the more I felt stuck in this middle…space? I don’t know. It was just weird and lonely, and I realized I just couldn’t say most things out loud. I started listening. I humbled myself. I remember when I was younger, in regards to your actions, my dad told me something like, “Intentions don’t matter. You might shoot someone on accident. They are still shot whether you meant to or not. Their pain and the wound are real.” Somehow I never applied that to politics. I don’t know. When you start stepping into that arena, people aren’t people anymore. They are groups. Groups are easier to demonize.

I know people who voted for Donald Trump that are loving and smart and empathetic. I know people who voted for Hilary Clinton that are loving and smart and empathetic. I know people who are screaming for gun reform that are loving and smart and empathetic. I know people who are begging for freedom that are loving and smart and empathetic.

As I survey the political landscape and DEAR GOD FACEBOOK…I find myself sad and lonely.

Specifically, in the wake of the absolute TRAGEDIES that occurred recently, I have been so disheartened by the Christian response. I saw the immediate battle cries from both sides. It might be just me, but I can’t imagine Jesus caring about the government response in either direction when people were hurting. CHILDREN WERE LOST in extreme acts of absolute hatred and disparity. Lives were shattered. People were shocked and mourning.

I also imagine the domestic terrorists and the deep deep darkness that has a grip on their hearts. How? How did they get to that point? As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are still important to God. I get so upset when one of my children hits the other. I can’t begin to wrap my brain around the feeling of loss and heartbreak that God must feel watching his children hate and hurt so deeply.

Can we mourn with them? Can we take a breath and weep and pray? Can we send flowers or meals or figure out how to help? I believe, and this is just MY belief, that Jesus wouldn’t respond by an outcry for governmental interference. I also believe that Jesus wouldn’t respond by worrying about his rights and his freedoms. He would hurt.

I don’t know. The older I get, the more I just want to be like Jesus. The way he loved others changed everything.

I do believe in sensible laws and change and will vote and do my part as an American. I also understand the grip of those who want to hold onto freedom. Honestly, in a sheer showing of political bias, I think the government overstepped their bounds LONG ago. But more than anything, I want to love. I have my own beliefs on fiscal responsibility, life, prison, taxes, gun reform, etc. But in the end, does it REALLY matter? If the church mobilized to love others as passionately as I see them post anything on Facebook, we’d change everything wouldn’t we?

At my core, i am first and foremost a follower of Jesus. I have other beliefs and associations. I’m an American. I’m moderate. Whatever. But all of those fall aside when I am faced with “what’s REALLY important here?” And I just HAVE to believe it’s people.